If walls could talk...

So I think I am starting to develop a small crush on my roommate, which is rather troublesome. O_o We have been roommates for about a year and a half... I dont know maybe I'm just over thinking or over analyzing things...you know cuz girls tend to do just that.

But we have started hanging out more often...we always laugh and joke around and he even makes dinner for me. I have gotten some weird random vibes from him too...like I'll catch him staring at me when he thinks I'm not looking, or he will linger about in the living room or dining room when I'm there, even if he isn't doing anything. I know it doesn't make sense but usually he will just sit down and I try not to laugh or smile, because I can practically SEE him thinking of something to say just so he can strike up a conversation with me.

At first I didn't really pay any attention to it because we were just roommates, and JUST that. I never, ever saw him as anything more, and I don't really think I am his type. But this has been happening more and more often. And all the crazy laughing fits or impromptu movie nights...and I did mention he makes dinner for me right!? I don't know what to think but I wanted to get it off my chest.

It's probably nothing...right?

Sooooo...my bf broke up with me...im really upset about it and dont really know what to do...so im just gonna vent on here

It was really unexpected because we had been hanging out a lot and i thought we were doing ok...im just at a loss for words and have no idea why it happened...

he told me that he was just not ready for a relationship, and that he felt that he didnt have enough time to get things done...He also said he felt lonely and thought he needed a gf, but realised he didnt...

i was baffled of course because for one, we barely see each other, and tend to hang out on weekends or a day or two during the week... and also, im not the clingy dramatic type and gave him his space and all that so i just dont know...

Besides, he was the one that moved quickly, and got too clingy and all that...

I just wish he had told me before we got intimate...had i known the stupid relationship would have only lasted 2 months, i would never have invested so much time and energy into it!

Again, i will never understand guys...

 Ugh...I hate drama! I try to avoid it under all circumstances and in whatever way possible...but sometimes it just overwhelms me and pulls me into its hideous, inescapable abyss.

This time, the drama comes from my family...its been a while since family issues got this out of hand...but alas, it has happened once again. A rough summary of my current issues involves: 

A) A younger sister that is a major bitch, hypocrite, and spoiled brat. She has no idea what it means to have a life and thus find any and all ways of messing up ours. Probably Bipolar and loves acting like a god damn martyr. 

B) A clingy, overly attached mother that has been suffering of empty nest syndrome and cries whenever she is separated from us. Has been depressed and suicidal for the last two days...Dramatic is putting it nicely...

C) Me, who my sister has labelled the evil, cold-hearted bitch because I actually want to fly from the broken-family of a nest I was forced to grow up in and am trying to find my own life. I have many other priorities and because my family isn't #1 on that list, I am the worst person in the whole world. 

I feel guilty sometimes for wishing that I could have been an orphan...but I feel like it would have been a less stress and obligation on my back...Dont get me wrong, I love my family, god knows why, but i can only stand small doses of them at a time...anymore that 3 days and we are at each others necks and it makes me feel like murdering them in their sleep   Stressed out of my freakin mind!

The current issue is that my stupid sister pulled one of her stunts and went back to her apartment, right before New Years of course (and people wonder why I DESPISE the holidays) and so my mom got all butt hurt and started crying like an idiot because of my sister. I told her that my sister wasnt worth her crying over and that she needed to pull herself together...Pissed off, i text my sister telling her wat a dipshit she was and she just blew me off and told me that my mom and I could go to hell because she didnt need us anymore! I told my mom what she had said and it only made things worse...I dont know what to do anymore and i cant stand having to deal with a blubbering mother that acts like a child...

And then my sister has the nerve of saying that IM the bad daughter because I "abandon" my mom to go out with my friends or with my Boyfriend... for one im older than my sister and second, what i do or dont do with my life is NONE of her business... yes i know that it may e hard for my mom to let go, but for goodness sakes, im fucking 23 years old, pay my own bills, and practically take care of my own ass!!!! why the hell do i have to be dealing with these people when i could just be at my own apartment in peace and quiet!?!?! My mom knew this day would come...i feel like its about time to let us go and let us live our own lives....i hate having to call her everyday and i hate it even more coming home on the weekends, because i KNOW it will only end in my sister and I arguing and my mom getting all cry-babyish...

I haven't written in this journal in SUCH a long time! I went back and read through some of the things I had written, and honestly, I am glad that I was able to escape all of that! I am in a much better place now! I am not miserable at all anymore, and am even a tad more optimistic than I use to be! Dont get me wrong, I still have my cynical moments, but over all, all the drama of the last two years is gone!  I dont regret anything that happened, because no matter how hard or how bad things got, those experiences taught me so much about myself! I will take everything i learned and lived through and use it as a learning experience; I will not let it hinder my life. Yes, it has shaped who I am today greatly, but that is all I will allow it to do. Nothing more.

Now, was my ex a bad person, maybe. Do I hate him, No. He is out of my life for good now, and by being on my own, I have been more able to learn who I am as an individual and realized that I dont need anyone or anything to be happy!

Thankfully I did not turn into an angry, sour woman scorned by love! I still have hope that there are great guys out there (one of which i am currently dating ;) and i also believe that, cliche as it may be, everything happens for a reason! I will embrace life and appreciate all the things that come my way...life only happens once after all, and I intend to make the most of it!

today my family and i went shopping with my aunt, her husband and my cousin to help her pick out stuff for my cousin's baby shower...We went to eat lunch first at Home Town Buffet, and then afterwards she dropped off her husband and my cousin went swimming with her boyfriend and other friends. So it was just me, my mom, my sister and my aunt.

I was a bit frustrated because my aunt is so immature...and its annoying because she is like almost 50 years old!!! She's gonna be a grandma for goodness sake!

But yea, she constantly complains about her husband and his lack of participation (in her opinion) in her life. She complains that he doesnt take her out, nor do they do things together, etc...instead he would much rather stay home and watch soccer all day.

It really irritates me because for one, she is about 15 yrs older than her husband...she is a HUGE whore  flirt and has no consideration nor respect for him or his feelings....AND constantly wants to go out and party or go to concerts, dances, clubs, etc.
 
Oh and let me share something with you... he is SUPER attractive!!!!!!!!! He is tanned, has hazel eyes, and such a cute smile! He is very polite to my mom, sister and me. And never, ever shows anything but love and respect for my aunt. Don't think im trying to steal my aunt's husband away either! I am NOT like that! But considering the fact that my annoying, rude, and old-ass aunt has such a perfect guy with her and i have dated nothing but immature, worthless, shallow guys, makes me furious. Sorry, dont mean to rant but im simply stating the obvious. DUDE, the man even washes and FOLDS his own clothes!!!!!! Why cant i find a guy like THAT!!!

For this and many other reasons, i feel that my aunt is not good enough for him. He deserves someone better, who is more mature, and more his age... Yes, i KNOW that in love there is no such thing as age. But like i said thats just how i feel and its my own biased? opinion.

I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and i just have to say that i LOVED it!!!!

It was one of the best, most emotional, and inspiring books i have ever read. It made me laugh and cry, and i had so many "thats exactly how i feel!" moments that i came to feel like i was Liz and was living through her.

I can not express how much i owe my co-worker for having brought this book into my life, but i know that this is a book that i will pass on to as many people as i can and will hope that they love it as much as i did!
 

So i dont know whether it was because i am pms-ing or was simply not in a good mood, but i've been crying alot...

i cried the night before, i cried last night and even cried today (at work for crying outloud!)...and i feel like its always brought on by the same topic... my ex, well, although now i kinda feel that i cry NOT because i miss him, but because i feel like a failure at relationships and i feel lonely and unloved.

Today at work my chatty, gossip loving co-worker let it slip to another co-worker that i was single now...(i had accidentally let it slip that i had broken up with my bf, stupid i know, but i didnt want the world to know about it because i hate when my personal business gets out) But regadless, the point is that i was already emotional in the morning because i found a girls number in his wallet, and i confronted him about it ( i feel stupid snooping through his things and i know i have no right to do so, but i just cant help it...i feel like im such a masochist sometimes =/ ) So yea, when my co-worker brought him up at work, i felt those same feelings again and i started to cry...not the crazy crying like i usually do, but more subdued; i tried to hold the tears in because i was at work and didnt want to make a scene nor call more attention to myself, that and didnt want my business to spread more than it already had (especially since i am broken up with him, but foolishly still live in the same apartment as him... yea, you can only IMAGINE wat would happen if ppl caught wind of THAT!)...

When i confronted him this morning i yelled "i hate you sometimes! and i wish i would have never let you into my life, that way i would still be happy!" I feel like its true...i am so different from who i use to be and i dont think i will ever be able to be myself again, the way i use to be...

i hate feeling this way...i hate crying like a blubbering idiot...i wish i could just erase everything in my memory about relationships and not have to deal with it anymore...

So 2 weeks after giving blood, i finally get my blood donor card AND i finally know wat blood type i am...i am O+! yay!

Im excited (although its not such a big deal) because i finally know wat blood type i am!! Only took me 21 years!!! LOL

sometimes i am reminded of the life i used to live, and the person i used to be. sometimes i get sad thinking of who i was, and i mourne the death of that person...

will i ever be that person again? back then, i felt like i was alive, happy, and full of purpose...i felt like i had a future to look forward to.

but unfortunately i let myself drift away, and all because of a stupid relationship...it was my first real, and reciprocated, relationship with a person, and it became my drug...it intoxicated me and impared my judgement...and now that its ended i feel like nothing else matters.

I lost so much, and almost 2 years later i realized my mistake and saw how much all of those people (my friends and family) meant to me, and now, they will never know because i let myself drift away and i don't really know them anymore.

I no longer feel like i have a future, i have no purpose, and i feel alone...

so all i can do is attach myself to my miserable past...

i feel like i am not really here...nothing really matters. why should i care? in ten years, will all of this matter? will i have a life worth living? or will i regret all of the things i never did or said?

i'm doing it again. i'm doing it now. going through this, one of many emotional, psychotic, crazy episodes...again...

I regret the way i let myself drift away...i hate wat ive become...

Went shopping Saturday with the fam…we ended up going to DDs Discounts and Ross…I got a lot of cute clothes, but spent waaaaay too much! XD lol anyways, then we came home and had my mom’s homemade enchiladas for lunch! YUMMMM!!!

Later in the day, Me, syd, chango, and peanut hung out for peanut’s birthday. We went to davis, (cuz he lives there, and ironically enough lives right across the street from where my ex use to live). We went bowling, then went to the movies… we watched The Losers, which was a pretty good movie! It had the perfect mix of action, comedy, and eye candy! ;P